Vengeance

The ending of a school year always makes me reminisce.  I find myself recalling each of my sons' progression from Kindergarten and beyond...I even go into the cave of my own school days.  I was blessed with mostly good memories of school. I attended the same school from start to finish and had an overall positive experience.  My boys attended several schools, with one system being their primary one and again, mostly positive.  I recall triumphs, failings, fun days, hard lessons, friendships...it's all a part of learning.  I do believe our best days of education do not come  in a classroom, and I love that joy of learning I see in my children.  Between all three boys, I have one overwhelming moment of regret in regard to school.  My husband and I have always held teachers in high regard and almost without fail took the teachers' side over our children. We feel it is part of teaching them to obey authority. Of course, we have been blessed with good, honest teachers so this has worked out for us well.

Except this one time.

We have a son who is very hard on himself...he sets his standard very high and often gets very upset when he doesn't rise to his own expectations.  We did not make him this way.  He is a very successful student, from Kindergarten until 3rd grade, he had never made a B on a single assignment.  But then we entered 4th grade.    We did not know how to deal with what we now know is anxiety, or how to help him cope with his feelings.We were trying our best to cope with his growing anxiety over school work.   He got a teacher who had this marvelous idea that all children need to learn to fail.  I am so thankful I did not have her. I would probably have never graduated. I had enough issues with school but I had these silly teachers who told us we could do whatever we wanted to do- we could be who we aspired to be- we could achieve anything we worked for...so with this thought process, I was floored that a teacher would say, "He just needs to learn to fail. He'll be ok." We were trying to teach him it was ok to make mistakes, but to fail with our help?  When he learned to walk, I never pushed him down...he fell enough on his own.  He did learn to get up and he learned to RUN!  He was very nervous about riding a bike, but he wanted it so badly.  I do remember he never fell...he rode slowly and would put his foot down cautiously when he felt the tipping began. It drove me crazy watching this slow progression down the driveway.  He never fell over, we never made him fall, but learned to ride! And he rode and he rode and he rode.

Some people just don't fall over.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

She gave the class so many 'tricky' assignments and 'surprise' tests until he did, indeed fall over. He made a C, which was horrible to him.  He got so upset (now we see it as an anxiety attack) he left the school on foot.  I won't go in to all the details because he is very ashamed and it upsets him still.  But what I regret is I didn't stand up for him.  He felt awful. He felt so awful. He was made to feel like a bad kid. It has been the worst day in his life.  He begged us to just forget it, so we talked it over with the Principal and we dropped it.  No lawsuit, no school board hearing, no nasty emails.  But in my heart I wanted revenge. She killed a part of my sons' spirit.  It took many days of prayer and love and talking to get it back.  I  wanted vengeance. I wanted her to hurt like he hurt and to feel ashamed like he felt.  I wanted her to feel tricked and to feel wronged.  I wanted her to pay.   Thankfully I have a husband who is our spiritual leader of our home.  He reminded me that God says "Vengeance is mine."  So I prayed for bad vengeance on her. I prayed so many bad things I forgot this was about my son.....then I felt awful.  I prayed for God to have His way.

God's way is so much better.  I wanted her to pay for hurting my child. God wanted my child to be blessed for being wronged.

I recall our year of homeschool in 5th grade. ABeka curriculm- all A's.
I recall our first year at TCS, 6th grade. All A's. and the Paul Award for Christian Character.
And as I sat in the crowd on awards day, 7th grade, TCS...I saw a smiling, happy boy receive A-B Honor Roll recognition (one pesky 89) and then I heard the Junior High Paul Award goes to......and my smiling, son humbly took the certificate.

Yes, Your vengeance is better than mine. I would have destroyed a person, but You exalted Your child.  Nothing we would have gained can compare to the joy I see in my childs' face....the love of learning he has or the sweet spirit he exudes.  Thanks, God, for teaching me that even if it takes years, You do indeed repay.

And You repay well.